Mothering Sunday and Infertility

I try to ignore Mother's Day. I don't have that great a relationship with my own mother and it's the fourth one that's passed since we started trying to start our own family.  Both on Mother's Day and Father's Day, the best course of action is to avoid Faceache all day long. If you do log on, all you get is a constant stream of photos and status updates reminding you how defective you are. I know people don't mean it and all they're doing is celebrating their own happiness, it's just that when you're living with infertility, that's kind of how it seems.  

 

 

A lot of publicity seems to focus on the physical characteristics, the fact that you're not a "real mother" unless you've given carried a baby for 9 months and given birth. I don't believe it's that at all though, it's far more to do with the love, support and care you give to your children all their life.

 

Families come in all shapes and sizes and the word "mother" can mean a thousand different things: step mothers, mothers of adopted children, mothers who've used surrogates and hundreds of different types in-between. And that's without even mentioning the amount of mothers who've the heart-breaking agony of losing a child, a baby or a pregnancy. They may not have a hand to hold but they are still mothers.

 

And then there's us. The infertiles. The ones who'd dearly love to become a mother but haven't yet managed it. In 3 years and 3 months I've never seen that magical second line on a pregnancy test yet (with the help of some very talented embryologists) me and Andrew have managed to create 14 little embryos. One is still frozen (affectionately called "Findus"), eleven of them didn't survive past 5 days after conception and the other two have been transferred inside me only to stop growing and die sometime during that dreaded two week wait. Does the fact that we created life make me a mother? You certainly feel like one from the moment the clinic calls you to say how many fertilised right through to the result two weeks later. As far as the generic view from society is though, I haven't given birth therefore I couldn't possibly be a mother.  
 

 

We've looked into adoption and it might be something we do in the future. However it's not the same as having your own and it's definitely not a quick and easy process. The Catch 22 is the amount of criteria you have to meet before you'll even be accepted as potential adoptees. I know of one couple who spent a significant amount of money trying IVF, then after they'd come to terms with not having their own, started researching adoption only to be told they wouldn't be eligible - they didn't have enough savings as they'd spent them on fertility treatment.  The sticking point for me and Andrew is that adoption agencies usually insist on you having experience with children, which of course is quite hard to get if you don't have your own or have any relatives with children. Oh the irony of that. Because of course, each and every first time parent has already had the training course on "how to look after children" and naturally, all of them have a bulging bank account.

 
 

Another big issue in the UK is the fertility fairness funding can of worms. The NICE clinical guidelines recommend three cycles of treatment for women under 40. The reality is that only a handful of local authorities in England offer that, and even then there's usually a long list of criteria you have to meet. The problem comes when each local area decides on their own policy. We get one cycle free in our area. If I lived 5 miles to the west, we'd be offered two cycles free (plus any subsequent frozen cycles). If I lived 20 miles to the east, I'd be offered three. In order to get the NHS funded cycle in our local area some of the things you have to meet include being: over 23; under 40; under 30 on your BMI; never had any previous treatment; a non-smoker and trying for at least 2 years (or 1 if there's a known cause of infertility). I don't necessarily think the NHS should pay for lots of free cycles (I agree, there's often far more important things to spend the money on) but whatever the ruling is - it should be the same in every area. If we all get three - excellent. If we all get two or one - excellent. And if we all get nothing - well, that'd be pretty crappy but at least it would be fair. Interestingly the World Health Organisation class infertility as a disease yet it's probably the only "disease" which provokes such strong reactions in people with regard to NHS funding.  

 
 

I suppose as well, there's always going to be an argument for saying that it's some form of natural selection and if that's what nature intended then so be it. But if it really is a case of survival of the fittest, then there's an awful lot of people who've "survived" who should be a lot more appreciative of their success. I'm not saying everyone takes it for granted, there's a lot of people out there who are incredibly grateful and to them, fair play. Maybe it's just my Facebook news feed but unfortunately it seems there's a large amount who do take it for granted. Fertility is a privilege and one that a lot of us forget we have.

 

 

I don't want to sound bitter (although I'm aware I probably do) and this probably isn't really going anywhere so trying to put a bit more of a positive spin on it, here's a few of the most supportive and helpful resources I've found for infertility over the last few years:

 

• Nuts in May's 'Letter in Green Biro' - one infertile lady's response to Mariella Frostrup's "helpful" agony aunt advice to a reader who couldn't have children. This will make you both cry and punch the air in support.  

• The fertility privilege and why we shouldn't take it for granted.  

• The infertility thread on Money Saving Expert's forum, which has the catchy title of 'The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Conceive When It's Just Not Happening 12 m+' - the nicest most supportive group of ladies you’ll find on this planet.  

• The Fertility Friends forum - heaps of advice and tips for all stages of your journey. 

• Womb 4 Improvement blog - she's a very funny lady and has lots of advice about everything to do with infertility and treatment.  

• The Barren Blog - no longer updated (as she had a lovely happy ending back in 2010) but still worth a read.  

• TheOneHandMan - infertility and adoption from a man's perspective.  

• Wannabe Dad - one man's journey through ICSI.  

• Infertility Network UK - worth following them on Twitter and Facebook and their site has lots of factsheets but their forum's usually a bit dead.  

• The Fertility Podcast - exactly what it says on the tin, advice and interviews from women who've been there and got the t-shirt.  

• Chelenic’s YouTube channel - you'll have to scroll back a bit in time (she's now mum to twins) but she filmed everything, all the drugs, injections and emotions throughout the whole journey.  

• This IVF due date calculator - very detailed and filled with dates 

• Pinterest is great for morale - I have an IVF board on there with pictures and jokes.

 

And the best advice I can give you...
Any IVF or infertility story on the internet - don't read the comments. Just don't. Especially if it's the Daily Mail. There's a lot of "outraged and ill-informed of Tunbridge Wells" type people out there.
And they are not worth your time.